How to have Real Confidence
It’s not always easy to put into words, but you know it when you see it.
Having confidence makes you stronger, and helps you see more clearly. Real confidence can’t be bought and it can’t be faked. It has to come from within. Some people describe confidence as a state of being certain, in regards to truth, or your own/others abilities. Another description is being completely at peace with who you are in every moment, interaction and experience.
But whatever your definition, I think you’d agree that we could all benefit from a little more confidence in ourselves.
So without ado, here are a few things you can do today to Look, Feel and Be more confident.
Stop listening to the voices telling you, “you’re not enough.”
Because we have so many negative influences trying to tear us down, (practically from birth) believing in yourself and not giving counsel to the fears in your head is a battle that has to be waged constantly.
Confidence has to be forged every single day.
There are subtle messages pervasive in the world that whisper “You’re not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, rich enough, or talented enough.” It is a lie that slowly poisons your spirit from year to year.
It’s time to distance yourself from anyone or anything that makes you feel that way. Life is too short and you are too valuable to spend time in the gutters with selfish people and negative media.
The atmosphere and people you work with, live with, and hang out with, can build you up or tear you down. It has been said that you are an average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. There is a lot of truth to this, and if there's any truth to it, you need to surround yourself with people who share your values and who you want to be like. If someone or something is tearing you down, then for your own health, sanity, and safety, rip it out of your life!
The truth is you didn't come to earth to earn value through becoming more successful or more talented. You brought your value with you. You are here to learn, to make choices that match your value and help you grow into the positive, happy, confident, influential person you were born to be.
Here is a quote often credited to Nelson Mandela (although by mistake) that I nonetheless, absolutely love.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson (A Return To Love)
Stop caring so much about what other people think of you.
Almost everyone I know has some story from their childhood of an embarrassing moment that felt traumatizing to them at the time. Mine was in third grade (one of many if I’m being honest) when some friends were making fun of the girls in front of us. (one of those dumb things you did as and 8 year old kid) I said a line from a movie I thought was a hilarious insult. But it turns out that calling a girl ‘Laser Lips’ isn’t so much an insult, as it is an opportunity to be teased and ridiculed for weeks...I thought I’d never be able to show my face in school again.
Now this may sound like something only a traumatized third grader would think, but this painful social feeling isn’t just limited to me and my childhood debacle. It’s a defining paranoia of people everywhere. We seem to share a collective insanity that pervades the whole human race: An irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of us.
If something someone thinks or says about you isn’t going to matter in 10 years, don’t give it more than 10 seconds of your time now.
Besides, it’s impossible to please everyone all the time. And why would you want to anyway? There will always be people who want to tear you down and who will find fault with everything you do or don't do.
Stop worrying about how you look. Stop looking for so much outside approval. Believe in yourself! This is a chicken and egg scenario. Having more confidence will help you not worry about what others think, and not worrying about what others think will help you have more confidence!
Want to know a secret?
No one is thinking about you anyway!
I don’t mean that in a harsh or mean way, but the truth is, that most people are thinking about themselves. They're worried and stressing and thinking about what the world thinks about them and their own problems! And those who do think about you, are those who love and care for you. They don’t love you because of your talents, abilities, etc. They love you for who you are. They can see the flaws and insecurities and love you in spite of it all.
That’s really the definition of a true friend. Someone who sees the your good and your bad and loves you anyway. Which goes back to the idea that you need to surround yourself with people who will build you up, and turn away from anyone or anything that tears you down.
Stop comparing yourself to others
Social media has raised the disease of comparison to an epidemic. There is real danger in unhealthy comparison. It can lead to depression, anxiety, insecurity, ingratitude, animosity and pleasure in the misfortunes of others, and even the unthinkable.
Author Henri Nouwen wrote, (and this was years before the rise of social media)
“In a world that constantly compares people, ranking them as more or less intelligent, more or less attractive, more or less successful, it is not easy to really believe in a love that does not do the same. When I hear someone praised, it is hard not to think of myself as less praiseworthy; when I read about the goodness and kindness of other people, it is hard not to wonder whether I myself am as good and kind as they; and when I see trophies, rewards, and prizes being handed out to special people, I cannot avoid asking myself why that didn’t happen to me.
The world in which I have grown up is a world so full of grades, scores, and statistics that, consciously or unconsciously, I always try to take my measure against all the others. Much sadness and gladness in my life flows directly from my comparing, and most, if not all, of this comparing is useless and a terrible waste of time and energy.”
If you want to have more confidence, you have to stop comparing your behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.
Besides, It’s mostly fake anyway. (Looks aren't everything. Believe me, I'm a model.)
Root out limiting self beliefs.
How many times have you told yourself, “I can’t remember names.” “I’m not good at swimming, or tennis, or running.” “I just get angry easily.” or “I can’t learn this subject or that language, etc.”
You believe and tell yourself that you’re born that way or that your past experience has made you what you are. You think that talents or character traits are fixed.
But they’re not.
You can learn or change anything, with enough attention, time, and focus on it.
This shift from a fixed to a growth mindset can make a massive difference in your confidence and ability to achieve/change. You begin to realize that your abilities and and intelligence isn’t something you were born with like eye color. No, it’s more like a muscle that can developed and grow and become stronger. All it takes is effort, training and time.
You talk to and about yourself a thousand times every day. You label yourself and then wear those labels like it’s a persona. Then you live like it's a role you were predestined to fulfill in life. How often have you looked in the mirror and believed you were too stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, dumb or in other words a failure? As I said before, that simply isn’t true. It’s a negative, false belief that is holding you back from feeling loved and confident. And worst of all it's limiting your ability to conquer the world.
Here's the good news...you can change it! Those negative self beliefs can be rewritten. Those labels can become smart, happy, beautiful, caring, loving, whatever you want them to be. You can become the powerful individual you were meant to be! You can change your programing.
Here is an inspiring video about How to Change the Way You See Yourself.
This subject is too big and too important to cover in a just a few paragraphs. Countless books and entire fields of study have been devoted to the study of how to reshape your mind and beliefs. So here are a few of the most valuable resources I’ve found in my journey to re-write my own brain wiring.
Recognizing my own Cognitive Distortions
I must say that my own religious views and beliefs have been instrumental in shaping my own self worth and confidence. And while you certainly do not have to adhere to any specific creed or faith to benefit from better thinking, living your core values and aligning your life with your core beliefs will invariably bring you more peace, strength, and confidence.
Real confidence comes from living in accord with your core beliefs.
A psychologist friend of mine once told me that real confidence comes from living in accordance with your core beliefs—when your actions align with what you know to be true. If you want to have more confidence in every situation of life, do everything you can to follow what you believe is the right way to live.
I think Abraham Lincoln said it best, when he said, “When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad.”
We all make mistakes. I’ve never met a person who doesn’t have some feelings of inadequacy or regret from poor choices in their past. But we can start each new day excited to try again. You are never a failure if you keep getting up each time you’re knocked down.
Keep trying, day after day, week after week, month after month, and it’s impossible for things to remain the same. It has to change, it has to get better.
It’s the law of the harvest. Plant stronger, happier, nobler thoughts today, and it’s impossible to not reap the fruits of a better, happier life tomorrow.
President Calvin Coolidge put it best. “Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “Press On” has solved and will always solve the problems of the human race.”
The more you develop those muscles of getting up faster and stronger every time you get knocked down, the more confident you’ll become.
Besides, the road to success is always under construction.
Confidence is Sexy
We all know the hardest part of taking good advice is actually putting it into practice. It’s not easy to build confidence. It takes real work to change how we think feel and act. So if you want to start with the low hanging fruit, the first and easiest step to building confidence is looking confident.
You’re dressed up for an interview, business meeting, fancy date, or wedding... What’s the first thing people notice when they walk up to you?
It’s the statement piece, the finishing touch, the pièce de résistance if you will. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got to have the whole package to really stand out, but let’s be honest, the tie is the finishing touch that brings it all together.
Part of our mission here at Corbata is to help inspire confidence. Why? Because when you’re confident you feel great! You’re better able to take on the world, and you know that even when things get hard, you’ll find a way to come out on top.
A great tie is really just a small thing at the end of the day...perhaps even a little superficial. But we all know there is a certain amount of truth to the phrase, “Look good, Feel Good!” Which is why we are delivering high quality, handmade, trend setting ties to guys everywhere. And at an affordable price that won't break the bank.
I hope you find a tie you love and test out our "Compliment Guarantee", to boost your confidence and help us rid the world of boring ties. But I also wanted to dig a little deeper into the What, Why, and How of feeling more confident in every situation of life.